marriage

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to

 annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner

I laughed for a good ten minutes over this quote. I absolutely love it and it is SO true! I love Dillon to death, but I love to annoy him even more. He is my bestfriend and I can tell you that he would say the same thing about me. 

Our love is wonderful. It is not blind; we see every flaw, yet we love each other anyways.

Our love is not always kind. We fight, we bicker, we whine, yet we love each other anyways.

Our love is everything, yet it is nothing compared to a fairy tale.

I cannot believe that I am twenty-one, graduating college with a Bachelors in English, and am marrying my best friend. Our time flies by in this universe, yet we waste so much of it on what doesn't matter.

I plan on spending the short time I have here with the love of my life, my friends, and my family.

What is life without all of these things?

Light Vs. Dark

Sir Francis Bacon once said, "In order for the light to shine so brightly, 

the darkness must be present."

My light has been dulled. What once had shone so brightly has now been extinguished, diminished into darkness. That little voice in the back of my head reminds me of all that I fear most; I fear the darkness. Even when my light has been ignited once more, the darkness creeps back in. The darkness will always be there, ready for my light to dim, just as my fear will never cease. If only my light could just sparkle, shimmer, and glitter like the sun, perhaps then the my light could overcome.

I watch Criminal Minds, Law and Order: SVU, CSI: Miami, and all of these other brutal shows that depict rape, murder, incest, yet I am still interested to watch. Why is this?

Criminal Minds, though graphic and sometimes disturbing, never ceases to inspire me. Though the show is full of darkness, 90% of the time it proves that there are bits of "light" in the world worth living for.

Faith in Humanity Restored

I had my faith in humanity restored this weekend.
Lately, my facebook has been filled with constant bickering, bitching, and cruel slander against those of all different types. Issues like same-sex marriage, obama as president (and everything that has happened since), gun laws, cancer posts, etc. always arise. And I am absolutely sick of it.
People are crazy. And I'm tired of having such rude, closed-minded views come across my profile.

But anyway back to FAITH IN HUMANITY.

This last Saturday, I attended the Red and White Husker Spring Game.
Not only does Red and White have a whole new meaning for me as that my skin has gone from a nice pale, snow white to a flaming cherry red, but I also witnessed the Huskers remind me why I love Nebraska.

Jack, a young boy, was able to score a 69 yard touch down in the last half of the game. It was beautiful. fun. and absolutely restored my faith in humanity. The Huskers, a very important team in the state of Nebraska, took the time out of their first Big 10 Network live game, to show love and consideration for a boy fighting cancer.

Every time I see it, I am truly moved.

May God bless Jack.

I'll take the high road

"This isn't what I want, but I'll take the high road. Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson, or I don't want to walk around angry. Or maybe it's because I finally understand. There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept; things we don't want to know, but have to learn, and people we can't live without, but have to let go." - JJ, Criminal Minds

It's time to grow up and become who I was meant to be. I've been walking around angry for so long and my anger just continues to build. I have a to-do list a mile long that I refuse to touch simply because each time I do, it just gets that much longer. 

I'm tired of pain, of this anger building inside me, of feeling like this will never end. I refuse to let the world stop me from being happy. I will train myself to do better and be better. I will put myself first for once and be sure that I reach for my dreams, though I have none right now with the exception of getting out of this hell hole. What do you dream of when nothing is as it seems?

JJ's closing statement of this episode of Criminal Minds inspired me to be like her. I will accept the things that have happened and the things that will happen even if I don't want them to happen, I will learn things that I don't want to know, and I will let go of people who I can't live without simply because I'm tired of walking around angry. 

Perhaps my writing, my poetry, my art will rise above this. My words seem so superficial, vague, and general - I cannot pinpoint anything specific because it makes my pain real. And I have been avoiding it for so long that it's time I grow up and move on.

Here's to the memories, the moments that took our breathe away, and the times we shared.

Countdown

45 days until I graduate Concordia University with a Bachelor's degree in English.
181 days until I no longer have to ever work at Wal-Mart, again.
193 days until I marry my bestfriend.

This year is a year of change.
Pain, Sadness, Anger, Happiness, Joy.
Complete and utter change.

Am I ready for these changes? Absolutely.

After losing Kristi, my world has been shaken and broken. One of the worst changes of my life was losing her. Learning to move on has been beyond hard. It aches, it hurts, it just plain sucks.

As I was watching Criminal Minds last night, a wonderful quote came across the screen, "Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over."

I am trying to start over, but am still clinging to her memories. I will accept this change... some better than others, but I will move on, I will be a better person, and I will be sure to smile everyday. 

Life ain't always easy, but it sure is beautiful.

Unless you work at Wal-Mart and then that kind of sucks. (: 

A Long Goodbye

It's always hard to say goodbye. I'm stuck in between the good and bye. Sounds funny, right? I just can't seem to let go. I don't want to.

I'm angry all the time. At you. At myself. At the world.
I can't get passed it.

I miss you. And I think about you all the time. It's funny that way. I never used to think about you nearly as much as what I do now. Now everything reminds me of you. A song, a movie, a car, a smile, a laugh, simply everything. And I talk about you all the time. I never realized how much I love you and how no matter what I could never stay angry at you, because we always got passed whatever that anger was.

I don't want to say goodbye, Kristi. It'll mean you're really gone and I just can't accept that yet. Though, I'd like to stop being angry. To stop feeling like an emotional rollercoaster. I understand it is part of the grieving cycle --- but I don't think I will ever stop missing you. And I promise I will never forget you.

You changed my life. Your death changed it even more.

I promise to love our family unconditionally. And I promise that I will follow my dreams like you were.

Until we meet again;
All my Love.

20 seconds of insane courage

"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."

- We Bought a Zoo

Twenty seconds. That's all it takes. Twenty seconds of insane courage to do what you think cannot be done. To try something daring, something stupid, something forward, anything you want. It can be done. If you let yourself release your fears and focus on the task at hand. There is no turning back. 

I use words every minute of every day to describe what I see, what I feel, what I hear, what I think, what I smell, what I taste. It's all about perception. What happens to you and what you think happens to you are two different things; they will never be the same. No story is told the same way twice.

I've lost my words. I cannot put them together in a sentence to describe what is going on and how I feel about it. My words are useless. They are jumbled up, turned around, upside down, and backwards. Much like my thoughts. How is one to ever get something done without twenty seconds of insane courage and words?

Today I used words to prove that I can. To prove that I will move on. To push myself to a better  day, a better tomorrow, a better me. My words will surely hide themselves when someone asks me what's wrong, but I will find my words, find my feelings and resurrect them. 

Here is my twenty seconds of insane courage:

"I miss you every day. I cry often and for what seems like no reason. I love you deeply and I see you everywhere. You will forever be my bestfriend, never forget that. I know you're watching down on me and I wish you the very best at God's side. I'm angry that you left me, that he took you too soon. But I will move on; not forget you or push you in the past, but I will become a better person for you. I will eat better, exercise often, love those around, and try to make the room fill with laughter, just as you did. You are my hero. Thank you. I love you."

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry.

I really am.

I'm not ready to live without you, to never see your face, to never have another duct tape wrapped gift. I miss you terribly. Each and every day is a struggle to get out of bed and go on without you. You were my best friend. I don't even know how to grieve properly. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm withdrawn, I want to be alone, and I want the world to stop. The world isn't right without you in it.

I know I can't stop living my life; you wouldn't want me to lose myself no matter what. It's just so hard. And there is no one to turn to, no one to tell me the lie that you never saw it coming. I need you and your smart ass words. Send some down from heaven, hun. God won't mind.

I love you, my dear.

I'll forever miss you. 

Every second of every minute of every hour of every day I will miss you. 

Your beautiful life was taken too soon. My anger rages inside me. Nineteen is no where near the proper time to die. A trip home to see your family is never the time to die. I cannot even fathom as to what plan God has for you, because my heart is in pieces. You were my cousin, my bestfriend, my parter-in-crime and it's just not fair. What am I going to do without your infectious laugh, your witty sarcasm, or your keen fashion sense? I miss you so much.

My words are all jumbled up inside. I can't think straight. I can't hardly think at all. I see you every where I go. The day after your funeral I went out to eat with Mom -- our waitress's name was Kristi (just like you spelled it even if I always spelled it with a 'y'). Then we went to Gordmans and wouldn't you know it, it was on Allen Drive. I tried to brush off those little reminders until I logged onto Facebook. A purple heart set underneath all the birthday reminders and next to that heart was your name in bold. Stupid game requests: you know how much I hate those damn things.

But I can't bring myself to delete it. Your name. By a heart. A reminder of our love and how much I miss you. I hope you're in a better place and that you're watching down on me (well, not every moment please).

Rest in Peace.
All my love,
Tori

Pee Catcher

Oh, sweet, sweet Jesus.

I am a pee catcher. Sounds gross, right? Definitely is unsanitary at the very least since it isn't even my own pee. It's Emmett's, my toy Aussie. And he hates it as much as I do. You see.... yesterday, when my friend came to let him out while I was at work he peed a little on the couch, just enough to be considered a tinkle.. He did this again when she came back to let him out a second time. I simply thought he was distracted since it was someone other than Dillon or me letting him out.

I hope I was wrong.
He's been rather feverish and I just chalked it up to his growing spurts and burning off his food. Yet last night when I touched him he was soaked with sweat, so I laid him down on my bed to sleep for the night. As he laid there he began to pee.. as he noticed he jumped off the bed, ran across the room, and straight into his kennel, where he continued to pee uncontrollably. Once he realized what had happened, he stood there in his own mess staring at me with a pleading look on his face. Granted I was a tad upset seeing as that he peed on my freshly cleaned sheets and my freshly deep-cleaned carpets, but I was more upset by the look on his face that made me think he was thinking I was going to beat his butt. That was a very sad moment.

So, I took him to the vet this morning. And I am now a catcher of pee. It's terrible to think that I kind of want him to have an infection just so I know he didnt pee all across my room for absolutely nothing. Only his pee will tell...

And I have to try to catch some.

Hansel & Gretel

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters recently hit the theatres across the country and to my delight it was incredibly amazing. The new twist on this movie (don't worry no spoilers!) held my attention and even made me jump once or twice. It was positively amazing; I haven't been able to get lost in a movie much like I do books in quite some time. I have been in some sort of "funk", if you will, and I am hoping this little bit of inspiration will allow me to open up and simply become a better me. I have not been able to write, study, work, exercise, eat healthy, or anything, which is simply unhealthy in and of itself. My bit of scatter-brained thoughts will arise out of here and I do hope that is alright with you. I highly suggest seeing this movie or going on a date with yourself (or others! I took my friend Serena!) and just releasing your grasp on the world for a few hours. Just enjoy being; being there, being alive, being alone, or being with someone you care about. Just be.

Begin, Again.

Creating a blog is a funny thing. What do you write about? Your day? New recipes? Poems? Stories? What exactly do people want to hear, or better yet what exactly do I even want to say?

I've been terribly scatter-brained the last couple days. It has been quite terrible to be honest. Allow me to write - just about anything if that is alright, because at this point I just need to sprawl my thoughts (wherever they may choose to lead) down on paper and then assess the damage I have done. However... for the moment, I'm going to bed. My insomnia has been something horrid and I need to get as much sleep as my body will allow.

Sweet dreams.