I'll take the high road

"This isn't what I want, but I'll take the high road. Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson, or I don't want to walk around angry. Or maybe it's because I finally understand. There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept; things we don't want to know, but have to learn, and people we can't live without, but have to let go." - JJ, Criminal Minds

It's time to grow up and become who I was meant to be. I've been walking around angry for so long and my anger just continues to build. I have a to-do list a mile long that I refuse to touch simply because each time I do, it just gets that much longer. 

I'm tired of pain, of this anger building inside me, of feeling like this will never end. I refuse to let the world stop me from being happy. I will train myself to do better and be better. I will put myself first for once and be sure that I reach for my dreams, though I have none right now with the exception of getting out of this hell hole. What do you dream of when nothing is as it seems?

JJ's closing statement of this episode of Criminal Minds inspired me to be like her. I will accept the things that have happened and the things that will happen even if I don't want them to happen, I will learn things that I don't want to know, and I will let go of people who I can't live without simply because I'm tired of walking around angry. 

Perhaps my writing, my poetry, my art will rise above this. My words seem so superficial, vague, and general - I cannot pinpoint anything specific because it makes my pain real. And I have been avoiding it for so long that it's time I grow up and move on.

Here's to the memories, the moments that took our breathe away, and the times we shared.

Countdown

45 days until I graduate Concordia University with a Bachelor's degree in English.
181 days until I no longer have to ever work at Wal-Mart, again.
193 days until I marry my bestfriend.

This year is a year of change.
Pain, Sadness, Anger, Happiness, Joy.
Complete and utter change.

Am I ready for these changes? Absolutely.

After losing Kristi, my world has been shaken and broken. One of the worst changes of my life was losing her. Learning to move on has been beyond hard. It aches, it hurts, it just plain sucks.

As I was watching Criminal Minds last night, a wonderful quote came across the screen, "Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over."

I am trying to start over, but am still clinging to her memories. I will accept this change... some better than others, but I will move on, I will be a better person, and I will be sure to smile everyday. 

Life ain't always easy, but it sure is beautiful.

Unless you work at Wal-Mart and then that kind of sucks. (: 

A Long Goodbye

It's always hard to say goodbye. I'm stuck in between the good and bye. Sounds funny, right? I just can't seem to let go. I don't want to.

I'm angry all the time. At you. At myself. At the world.
I can't get passed it.

I miss you. And I think about you all the time. It's funny that way. I never used to think about you nearly as much as what I do now. Now everything reminds me of you. A song, a movie, a car, a smile, a laugh, simply everything. And I talk about you all the time. I never realized how much I love you and how no matter what I could never stay angry at you, because we always got passed whatever that anger was.

I don't want to say goodbye, Kristi. It'll mean you're really gone and I just can't accept that yet. Though, I'd like to stop being angry. To stop feeling like an emotional rollercoaster. I understand it is part of the grieving cycle --- but I don't think I will ever stop missing you. And I promise I will never forget you.

You changed my life. Your death changed it even more.

I promise to love our family unconditionally. And I promise that I will follow my dreams like you were.

Until we meet again;
All my Love.

20 seconds of insane courage

"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."

- We Bought a Zoo

Twenty seconds. That's all it takes. Twenty seconds of insane courage to do what you think cannot be done. To try something daring, something stupid, something forward, anything you want. It can be done. If you let yourself release your fears and focus on the task at hand. There is no turning back. 

I use words every minute of every day to describe what I see, what I feel, what I hear, what I think, what I smell, what I taste. It's all about perception. What happens to you and what you think happens to you are two different things; they will never be the same. No story is told the same way twice.

I've lost my words. I cannot put them together in a sentence to describe what is going on and how I feel about it. My words are useless. They are jumbled up, turned around, upside down, and backwards. Much like my thoughts. How is one to ever get something done without twenty seconds of insane courage and words?

Today I used words to prove that I can. To prove that I will move on. To push myself to a better  day, a better tomorrow, a better me. My words will surely hide themselves when someone asks me what's wrong, but I will find my words, find my feelings and resurrect them. 

Here is my twenty seconds of insane courage:

"I miss you every day. I cry often and for what seems like no reason. I love you deeply and I see you everywhere. You will forever be my bestfriend, never forget that. I know you're watching down on me and I wish you the very best at God's side. I'm angry that you left me, that he took you too soon. But I will move on; not forget you or push you in the past, but I will become a better person for you. I will eat better, exercise often, love those around, and try to make the room fill with laughter, just as you did. You are my hero. Thank you. I love you."

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry.

I really am.

I'm not ready to live without you, to never see your face, to never have another duct tape wrapped gift. I miss you terribly. Each and every day is a struggle to get out of bed and go on without you. You were my best friend. I don't even know how to grieve properly. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm withdrawn, I want to be alone, and I want the world to stop. The world isn't right without you in it.

I know I can't stop living my life; you wouldn't want me to lose myself no matter what. It's just so hard. And there is no one to turn to, no one to tell me the lie that you never saw it coming. I need you and your smart ass words. Send some down from heaven, hun. God won't mind.

I love you, my dear.

I'll forever miss you.