marriage

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to

 annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner

I laughed for a good ten minutes over this quote. I absolutely love it and it is SO true! I love Dillon to death, but I love to annoy him even more. He is my bestfriend and I can tell you that he would say the same thing about me. 

Our love is wonderful. It is not blind; we see every flaw, yet we love each other anyways.

Our love is not always kind. We fight, we bicker, we whine, yet we love each other anyways.

Our love is everything, yet it is nothing compared to a fairy tale.

I cannot believe that I am twenty-one, graduating college with a Bachelors in English, and am marrying my best friend. Our time flies by in this universe, yet we waste so much of it on what doesn't matter.

I plan on spending the short time I have here with the love of my life, my friends, and my family.

What is life without all of these things?

Light Vs. Dark

Sir Francis Bacon once said, "In order for the light to shine so brightly, 

the darkness must be present."

My light has been dulled. What once had shone so brightly has now been extinguished, diminished into darkness. That little voice in the back of my head reminds me of all that I fear most; I fear the darkness. Even when my light has been ignited once more, the darkness creeps back in. The darkness will always be there, ready for my light to dim, just as my fear will never cease. If only my light could just sparkle, shimmer, and glitter like the sun, perhaps then the my light could overcome.

I watch Criminal Minds, Law and Order: SVU, CSI: Miami, and all of these other brutal shows that depict rape, murder, incest, yet I am still interested to watch. Why is this?

Criminal Minds, though graphic and sometimes disturbing, never ceases to inspire me. Though the show is full of darkness, 90% of the time it proves that there are bits of "light" in the world worth living for.

Faith in Humanity Restored

I had my faith in humanity restored this weekend.
Lately, my facebook has been filled with constant bickering, bitching, and cruel slander against those of all different types. Issues like same-sex marriage, obama as president (and everything that has happened since), gun laws, cancer posts, etc. always arise. And I am absolutely sick of it.
People are crazy. And I'm tired of having such rude, closed-minded views come across my profile.

But anyway back to FAITH IN HUMANITY.

This last Saturday, I attended the Red and White Husker Spring Game.
Not only does Red and White have a whole new meaning for me as that my skin has gone from a nice pale, snow white to a flaming cherry red, but I also witnessed the Huskers remind me why I love Nebraska.

Jack, a young boy, was able to score a 69 yard touch down in the last half of the game. It was beautiful. fun. and absolutely restored my faith in humanity. The Huskers, a very important team in the state of Nebraska, took the time out of their first Big 10 Network live game, to show love and consideration for a boy fighting cancer.

Every time I see it, I am truly moved.

May God bless Jack.

I'll take the high road

"This isn't what I want, but I'll take the high road. Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson, or I don't want to walk around angry. Or maybe it's because I finally understand. There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept; things we don't want to know, but have to learn, and people we can't live without, but have to let go." - JJ, Criminal Minds

It's time to grow up and become who I was meant to be. I've been walking around angry for so long and my anger just continues to build. I have a to-do list a mile long that I refuse to touch simply because each time I do, it just gets that much longer. 

I'm tired of pain, of this anger building inside me, of feeling like this will never end. I refuse to let the world stop me from being happy. I will train myself to do better and be better. I will put myself first for once and be sure that I reach for my dreams, though I have none right now with the exception of getting out of this hell hole. What do you dream of when nothing is as it seems?

JJ's closing statement of this episode of Criminal Minds inspired me to be like her. I will accept the things that have happened and the things that will happen even if I don't want them to happen, I will learn things that I don't want to know, and I will let go of people who I can't live without simply because I'm tired of walking around angry. 

Perhaps my writing, my poetry, my art will rise above this. My words seem so superficial, vague, and general - I cannot pinpoint anything specific because it makes my pain real. And I have been avoiding it for so long that it's time I grow up and move on.

Here's to the memories, the moments that took our breathe away, and the times we shared.

Countdown

45 days until I graduate Concordia University with a Bachelor's degree in English.
181 days until I no longer have to ever work at Wal-Mart, again.
193 days until I marry my bestfriend.

This year is a year of change.
Pain, Sadness, Anger, Happiness, Joy.
Complete and utter change.

Am I ready for these changes? Absolutely.

After losing Kristi, my world has been shaken and broken. One of the worst changes of my life was losing her. Learning to move on has been beyond hard. It aches, it hurts, it just plain sucks.

As I was watching Criminal Minds last night, a wonderful quote came across the screen, "Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over."

I am trying to start over, but am still clinging to her memories. I will accept this change... some better than others, but I will move on, I will be a better person, and I will be sure to smile everyday. 

Life ain't always easy, but it sure is beautiful.

Unless you work at Wal-Mart and then that kind of sucks. (: 

A Long Goodbye

It's always hard to say goodbye. I'm stuck in between the good and bye. Sounds funny, right? I just can't seem to let go. I don't want to.

I'm angry all the time. At you. At myself. At the world.
I can't get passed it.

I miss you. And I think about you all the time. It's funny that way. I never used to think about you nearly as much as what I do now. Now everything reminds me of you. A song, a movie, a car, a smile, a laugh, simply everything. And I talk about you all the time. I never realized how much I love you and how no matter what I could never stay angry at you, because we always got passed whatever that anger was.

I don't want to say goodbye, Kristi. It'll mean you're really gone and I just can't accept that yet. Though, I'd like to stop being angry. To stop feeling like an emotional rollercoaster. I understand it is part of the grieving cycle --- but I don't think I will ever stop missing you. And I promise I will never forget you.

You changed my life. Your death changed it even more.

I promise to love our family unconditionally. And I promise that I will follow my dreams like you were.

Until we meet again;
All my Love.

20 seconds of insane courage

"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."

- We Bought a Zoo

Twenty seconds. That's all it takes. Twenty seconds of insane courage to do what you think cannot be done. To try something daring, something stupid, something forward, anything you want. It can be done. If you let yourself release your fears and focus on the task at hand. There is no turning back. 

I use words every minute of every day to describe what I see, what I feel, what I hear, what I think, what I smell, what I taste. It's all about perception. What happens to you and what you think happens to you are two different things; they will never be the same. No story is told the same way twice.

I've lost my words. I cannot put them together in a sentence to describe what is going on and how I feel about it. My words are useless. They are jumbled up, turned around, upside down, and backwards. Much like my thoughts. How is one to ever get something done without twenty seconds of insane courage and words?

Today I used words to prove that I can. To prove that I will move on. To push myself to a better  day, a better tomorrow, a better me. My words will surely hide themselves when someone asks me what's wrong, but I will find my words, find my feelings and resurrect them. 

Here is my twenty seconds of insane courage:

"I miss you every day. I cry often and for what seems like no reason. I love you deeply and I see you everywhere. You will forever be my bestfriend, never forget that. I know you're watching down on me and I wish you the very best at God's side. I'm angry that you left me, that he took you too soon. But I will move on; not forget you or push you in the past, but I will become a better person for you. I will eat better, exercise often, love those around, and try to make the room fill with laughter, just as you did. You are my hero. Thank you. I love you."